During a typically cheery conversation at my retail job, someone asked me what my biggest insecurity was.
At the time, I said my laugh.
It is loud and it’s obnoxious.
A mix between Kamala Harris and Elaine C. Smith.
When I laugh in photos, I get lines at my eyes and chins that I didn’t know existed come out.
But I sat today and I thought, I definitely laugh more than I cry.
I spent last night with tears streaming from my face, sitting with my best friend, and laughing to the point of her wondering what it was I was laughing at.
I laugh when I watch TikToks.
My flatmate and I laugh at least once every time we see each other.
But when sadness strikes it can be such an all-consuming feeling, it can be hard or impossible to believe that any joy lives beyond the sadness.
There is a great personal power that comes from joy.
But sometimes you find yourself crying with laughter and halfway through a sob, laughing at yourself tripping over a word.
I don’t think feeling joy means you can’t also feel sadness. I almost think they live closer together than we think on the spectrum of emotions.
That allowing a contradiction to live is actually key to finding joy.
Now, in response to my insecurity at work, my colleague turned to me and said, “But Hugh, I love your laugh.”
I don’t add this to crown myself with laugh of the year.
But it made me think how cruel I was being to myself by admonishing my laugh.
What a miserable prick.
Since then, I have allowed myself to laugh loudly in public, had horror shows in social situations where it would be highly inappropriate to laugh, and all of a sudden, everything everyone does is highly amusing.
I have had moments that have felt pretty surreal, where even at the time I couldn’t quite believe my eyes, and laughter is all I could muster.
I have found a new sense of joy.
Certainly doesn’t mean I don’t cry, but I am not feeling as strongly about the permanence of emotion.
I don’t mind having a laugh after I have cried. Fuck, I need it.
Laughing is more than just finding something funny.
It is about letting your joy be heard.
That’s the key.
I think now, more than ever, it is vital that we let ourselves feel joy loudly.
It is a miserable fucking time out there at the moment.
So, for lack of a better phrase, we have to get our jollies where we can.
Having joy doesn’t mean you can’t feel, and feel a lot.
But when you find something worth laughing about, I think you should let yourself laugh.
You don’t want to turn into the kind of person who is ashamed of their laugh.
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