Notes From The Smoking Area

Our ‘Prime Minister’ has urged shops in the UK to stop selling disposable BBQs to help curb the spread of wildfires.

Now it could be fun to pretend we don’t understand why these wildfires are happening or that disposable BBQs and cigarette ends are responsible but the real culprit is, say it with me-

CLIMATE CHANGE!

As the UK enters what feels like the 800th week of heatwaves and drought, the Prime Minister will chair a COBRA meeting to discuss the extreme heat.

Firstly, I find it really sad that accepting climate change as a real and present danger is viewed as left wing. I fear it is just looking around and acknowledging that in no reality should it be 30 FUCKING DEGREES IN SCOTLAND.

SCOTLAND IS A COLD FUCKING COUNTRY- KEEP IT THAT WAY.

At the beginning of summer this year, I was longing for some heat, I hadn’t been on a hot holiday in a while and you know what it gets like-

Now I wait for it to rain so I can go outside.

But the rain isn’t coming- 71% of England is in drought.

Ironically, it is me, the Scottish nationalist, imploring the British Government to take the ENGLISH drought seriously.

Although cigarette ends and disposable BBQs may cause wildfires- no one will deny that- what are the conditions required for that to happen?

It is not your fag end that makes the grass go brown.

But don’t worry-

“Climate change can seem a distant, impersonal threat – in fact the associated costs to health are a very real and present danger.”

Andy Burnham had this to say about climate change in 2009 when speaking to The Guardian.

But if we are to take something more recent, just before taking office the all-knowing regular northern lad told us he has “something of an open mind” when it comes to licensing new oil and gas drilling fields.

Now- forgive me if I have misunderstood the Labour manifesto which Burnham is supposed to be carrying out-

“We will not issue new licences to explore new fields.”

What does that mean to you?

To me it means we have a man in power who, like almost every other man before him, is more interested in his own popularity and the desire to be liked by lunatics such as President T***P rather than what he claims- the betterment of the lives of the people living in the UK.

Because while our government keeps something of an open mind about oil and gas, you and I are being asked to-

Attempt to drink out of paper straws.

Recycle.

Quit vaping.

Use public transport.

Avoid fast fashion.

Forgo a disposable BBQ or a cigarette in a park.

All things, might I add, that I am perfectly happy to do.

But it reminds me of when I was a manager in retail and one of my subordinates would ask why I could have my mobile on me but they couldn’t.

I’d say, well, just in case I need to let any higher-ups know if something has happened.

Bitch, we all knew we had Outlook and in fact I did not need my phone, I just wanted to text my friends.

One rule for me, another for thee.

We need climate action-apparently- as long as that action affects you and I and not the profit margins of oil and gas companies.

It has passed the point of frustration but actually that is okay because Burnham has opened an office (No. 10 of the North) 220 miles from our Parliament here in Scotland, so we don’t have to rely on the other No. 10 which is 400 miles away from our Parliament.

It is like someone in Spain voting for something that happens in France-

It makes no sense.

But here we are, we will drill, put our oil onto the global market and continue to spend eye watering amounts of money on our electricity and heating bills.

I know what you are thinking-

“Hugh, you were just complaining about it being too hot but now you are complaining about the heating bill.”

Well yes.

But what goes up must come down. The effects of super El Niño that we have just experienced means that we are in for a wetter, windier and colder winter.

People will be unable to afford to heat their homes if bills continue to go up and the weather continues to be so unpredictable.

Victims of a system that apparently thinks meaningful climate action is too woke to do anything about.

But that’s how the right wing have won. They have convinced you and I that it is too woke, but in reality it has nothing to do with left or right wing politics and everything to do with profit.

We are being taken for an absolute ride and Andy Burnham’s statements are doth buttering no parsnips.

I think this government is a disgrace and unless there is drastic action- we will all miss summers of 40 degrees in London.

When we have children they won’t be going to Zante for their 6th year holiday, they will be going to the Hebrides.

I feel a genuine rage, not because I am super duper connected to the earth and I feel its pain, but because I know what will come.

It won’t just be working classes who suffer, but at first they are who are going to bear the brunt of this.

Working in hot conditions.

Unable to heat their homes during bitterly cold winters.

Living in places least equipped to deal with extreme weather.

So say thank you to the government because soon your neighbours will be absent for 8 months of the year because there will be nothing but holiday homes and scorched earth.

I am fairly uninterested if Andy Burnham is the closest we have had to a left wing Prime Minister in recent years. At least Keir Starmer didn’t want to further damage a planet that is already screaming in pain.

I hope Andy Burnham proves me wrong.

But ultimately reader-

Upper.

Middle.

Working class.

We will all burn the same.

It is not hyperbolic.

I am being hyperserious.